Nick the Dragon slayer knew that the penalty for his desire wouldbe death should he try to touch them. The king was a very jealous man.One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio thePhysician, who was the king’s chief doctor.

Horatio the Physician exclaimed that he could arrange for Nick the Dragon Slayer to satisfy hisdesire, but it would cost him 1,000 gold coins to arrange it. Withoutpause, Nick the Dragon Slayer readily agreed to the scheme.

The next day, Horatio the Physician made a batch of itching powder andpoured a litt le bit into the queen’s brassiere while she bathed. Soonafter she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense. Upon beingsummoned to the royal chambers to address this incident, Horatio thePhysician informed the king and queen that only special saliva, if appliedfor four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown thatonly the saliva of Nick the Dragon Slayer would work as the cure for theitch.

The king quickly summoned Nick the Dragon Slayer. Horatio the Physicianthen slipped Nick the Dragon Slayer the antidote for the itching powder,which he quickly put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nickworked passionately on the queen’s voluptuous and magnificent breasts.The queen’s itching was eventually relieved, and Nick the Dragon Slayerleft satisfied and touted as a hero.Upon returning to his chamber, Nick the Dragon Slayer found Horatio thePhysician demanding his payment of 1, 000 gold coins.

With his obsessionnow satisfied, Nick the Dragon Slayer couldn’t have cared less and, knowingthat Horatio the Physician could never report this matter to the king, witha laugh just told him to get lost.The next day, Horatio the Physician slipped a massive dose of the sameitching powder into the king’s underwear The king immediately summoned Nickthe Dragon Slayer…

Moral of the story: Pay your bills!!

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AS YOU MAY ALREADY KNOW, IT IS A SIN FOR A MUSLIM MALE TO SEE ANY WOMAN OTHER THAN HIS WIFE NAKED, AND THAT HE MUST COMMIT SUICIDE IF HE DOES. SO THIS SATURDAY AT 4 P.M. EASTERN TIME ALL AMERICAN WOMEN ARE ASKED TO WALK OUT OF THEIR HOUSE COMPLETELY NAKED TO HELP WEED OUT ANY NEIGHBORHOOD TERRORISTS. CIRCLING YOUR BLOCK FOR ONE HOUR IS RECOMMENDED.

FOR THIS ANTI-TERRORIST EFFORT, ALL MEN ARE TO POSITION THEMSELVES IN LAWN CHAIRS IN FRONT OF THEIR HOUSE TO PROVE THEY ARE NOT MUSLIM, AND TO DEMONSTRATE THEY THINK IT’S OKAY TO SEE NUDE WOMEN OTHER THAN THEIR WIFE AND TO SHOW SUPPORT FOR ALL AMERICAN WOMEN. SINCE ISLAM ALSO DOES NOT APPROVE OF ALCOHOL, A COLD 6-PACK AT YOUR SIDE IS FURTHER PROOF OF YOUR ANTI-TERRORIST SENTIMENT.

THE AMER ICAN GOVERNMENT APPRECIATES YOUR EFFORTS TO ROOT OUT TERRORISTS AND APPLAUDS YOUR PARTICIPATION IN THIS ANTI-TERRORIST ACTIVITY.

GO D BLESS AMERICA.

IT IS YOUR PATRIOTIC DUTY.

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God went to the Arabs and said, "I have Commandments for you that will make your lives better."
The Arabs asked, "What are Commandments?"
And the Lord said, "They are rules for living."
"Can you give us an example?"
"Thou shall not kill."
"Not kill? We’re not interested."

So He went to the blacks and said, "I have Commandments."
The blacks wanted an example, and the Lord said,
"Honour thy Father and Mother."
"Father? We don’t know who our fathers are."

Then He went to the Mexicans and said, "I have Commandments."
The Mexicans also wanted an example, and the Lord said "Thou shall not steal."
"Not steal? We’re not interested."

Then He went to the French and said, "I have Commandments."
The French too wanted an example and the Lord said,
"Thou shall not commit adultery."
Not commit adultery? We’re not interested."

Finally, He went to the Jews and said, "I have Commandments."
"Commandments?" They said, "How much are they?"
"They’re free."
"We’ll take 10."

There, that ought to offend just about everybody!!!!**

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Arnold Schwarzenegger has a big one.

Michael J. Fox has a small one.

Madonna doesn’t have one.

The Pope has one but doesn’t use it.

Clinton uses his all the time.

Bush is one

Mickey Mouse has an unusual one.

Liberace never used his on women.

Jerry Seinfeld is very, very proud of his.

Cher claims that she took on 3.

We never saw Lucy use Desi’s.

What is it? Answer below! (this is pretty good )

The answer is: "A Last Name."

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He asked, "What are all those clocks?" St. Peter answered, "Those are
Lie-Clocks.

Everyone on earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie, the hands on your
clock will move."

"Oh," said the man, "whose clock is that?" "That’s Mother Teresa’s.
The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie."

"Incredible," said the man. "And whose clock is that one?"
St. Peter responded, "That’s Abraham Lincoln’s clock. The hands have
moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life."

"Where’s President Bush’s clock?" asked the man.

"Bush’s clock is in Jesus’ office.

He’s using it as a ceiling fan

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He came up to the doorstep of a house of ill repute, and knocked on the
door when the Madam answered it; she saw the little boy and asked what he
wanted.

He said, "I want to have sex with one of the women inside. I have the
money to buy it, and I’m not leaving until I get it."

The Madam figured, why not, so she told him to come in. Once in, she told
him to pick any of the girls he liked. .He asked, "Do any of the girls
have any diseases?"

Of course the Madam said no!
He said, "I heard all the men talking about having to get shots after
making love with Amber. THAT’S the girl I want."Since the little boy was
so adamant and had the money to pay for it, the Madam told him to go to
the first room on the right.
He headed down the hall, dragging the squashed frog behind him. Ten
minutes later he came back, still dragging the frog, paid the Madam, and
headed out the door.

The Madam stopped him and asked, "Why did you pick the only girl in the
place with a disease, instead of one of the others?"

He said, "Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my parents are
going out to a restaurant to eat, leaving me at home with a baby-sitter.
After they leave, my baby-sitter will have sex with me because she just
happens to be very fond of cute little boys. She will then get the
disease that I just caught.
When Mom and Dad get back, Dad will take the baby-sitter home. On the
way, he’ll jump the baby-sitter’s bones, and he’ll catch the disease.
Then when Dad gets home from the baby-sitter’s, he and Mom will go to bed
and have sex, and Mom will catch it.
In the morning when Dad goes to work, the milkman will deliver the milk,
have a quickie with Mom, and catch the disease, and HE’S the
son-of-a-bitch who ran over my FROG."

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"Which human body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"

No one answered until little Molly stood up, angry, and said,

"You should not be asking 6th graders a question like that! I’m going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, and you’ll get fired!"

She then sat back down. Mrs. Parks ignored her, and asked the question again,

"Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated??

Little Molly’s mouth fell open, and she said to those around her,

"Boy, is she gonna get in big trouble!"

The teacher continued to ignore her! and said to the class,

"Anybody?"

Finally, Jimmy stood up, looked around nervously, and said,

"The body part that increases to 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye."

Mrs. Parks said,

"Very good, Jimmy."

Then she turned to Molly and continued,

"As for you, young lady, I have three things to say:

First, you have a dirty mind.

Second, you didn’t read your homework.

And third, one day you are going to be VERY, VERY Disappointed!!!"

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NAME: Kenneth Way (Grumpy Bastard)

SEX: Not lately, but I am looking for the right woman (or at least one who will cooperate)

DESIRED POSITION: Company’s President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever’s available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn’t be applying here in the first place ?

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that’s not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.

PREVIOUS SALARY: A lot less than I’m worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m. Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they’re better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 lbs.?: Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be
"Do you have a car that runs?"

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes, so they tell me.

DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job – no! ; On my breaks – yes!

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde supermodel who thinks I’m the greatest thing since sliced bread.
Actually, I’d like to be doing that now.

NEAREST RELATIVE….7 miles

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Oh yes, absolutely.

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ALIENS ARE COMING TO ABDUCT ALL THE GOOD LOOKING AND SEXY PEOPLE.

YOU WILL BE SAFE, I’M JUST EMAILING TO SAY GOODBYE.

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He is halfway down the hall when he sees three nuns heading his way.
Having no place to hide, he stands against the wall and freezes
like he’s a
statue.

The nuns stop and comment on how life-like he looks. The first nun suddenly
reaches out and pulls on his manhood. Startled, he drops a bar of soap. "Oh look,"
says the first nun, "it’s a soap dispenser". To test her theory the second
nun also pulls on his manhood.
Sure enough, he drops the second bar of soap.

Now the third nun decides to have a go. She pulls once, then twice and
three times — but nothing happens. So she gives several more tugs,
Then yells, "Holy Mary, Mother of God, hand lotion, too!"

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Ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with them on the way home.

Set out milk and cookies and got the kids organized to do their homework, then set up the ironing board and watched TV while he did the ironing.

At 4:30 he began peeling potatoes and washing vegetables for salad, breaded the pork chops and snapped fresh beans for supper.

After supper, he cleaned the kitchen, ran the dishwasher, folded laundry, bathed the kids, and put them to bed.

.At 9 P.M. he was exhausted and, though his daily chores weren’t finished, he went to bed where he was expected to make love, which he managed to get through without complaint.

The next morning, he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said: Lord, I don’t know what I was thinking. I was so wrong to envy my wife’s being able to stay home all day. Please, oh please, let us trade back."

The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied: "My son, I feel you have learned your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were."

You’ll just have to wait nine months, though. You got pregnant last night."

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Incredibly drunk and walking home, they needed to pee. So they
decided
to stop in a nearby cemetery.

Having nothing to wipe with, one of them thought she would take off
her
panties and use them.

Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and
did not want to ruin them, but was lucky enough to squat down next to
a
grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe
with that.

After the girls did their business they proceeded to go home.

The next day one of the women’s husbands was concerned that his
normally
sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the
other husband and said, "These darn girl’s nights out have got to
stop.
I’m starting to suspect the worst. My wife came home with no
panties!"

"That’s nothing", said the other husband, "Mine came back with a card
stuck between her butt cheeks that said: "From all of us at the Fire
Station… we’ll never forget you."

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"No more headaches?" the husband asks, "What happened?"

His wife replies, "Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself
and repeat ‘I do not have a headache; I Do not have a headache, I do not have a headache.’ It worked! The
headaches are all gone."
The husband replies, "Well, that is wonderful."

His wife then says, "You know, you haven’t been exactly a ball of fire in the bedroom these last few years.
Why don’t you go see the hypnotist and see If he can do anything for that?" The husband agrees to try it.

Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes,picks up his wife and carries her
into the bedroom. He puts her on The bed and says, "Don’t move, I’ll be right back."

He goes into the bathroom and comes back A few minutes later and jumps into bed and makes passionate
love to his wife like never before.
His wife says, "Boy, that was wonderful!"

The husband says, "Don’t move! I will be right back."

He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than the first time. The wife
sits up and her head is spinning.
Her husband again says, "Don’t move, I’ll be right back."

With that, he goes back in the bathroom. This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom,
she sees him standing at the mirror and Saying, "She’s not my wife. She’s not my wife. She’s not my wife!"

His funeral services will be held on Monday

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He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and
then set the cup down between them. As he began to eat
his few bites of hamburger, the people around them
kept looking over and whispering.
You could tell they were thinking, "That poor old
couple – all they can afford is one meal for the two
of them."
As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to
the table. He politely offered to buy another meal for
the old couple. The old man said they were just fine -
They were used to sharing everything.
The surrounding people noticed the little old lady
hadn’t eaten a bite. She sat there watching her
husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the
drink.

Again the young man came over and begged them to let
him buy another mea l for them. This time the old
woman said "No, thank you, we are used to sharing
everything."
As the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly
with The napkin, the young man again came over to the
little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of
food and asked "What is it you are waiting for?"
She answered…………………
(scroll down)

"THE TEETH:

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1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female…… Any part under a car’s hood.
Male….. The strap fastener on a woman’s bra.

2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female…. Fully opening up one’s self emotionally to another.
Male…. Playing football without a cup.

3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female… The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one’s partner.
Male… Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.

4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
Female…. A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male…… Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.

5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female…. A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male…. .. Anything that can be done while drinking beer.

6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female…. An embarrassing by product of indigestion.
Male…… A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.

7 MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female…… The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male.. Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.

8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female…. A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male… A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.

AND;

He said . . . I don’t know why you wear a bra; you’ve got nothing to put in it.
She said . . . You wear pants don’t you?

He said . . …… Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said . That’s a good idea – you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart!

He said . . What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said . .Turn sideways and look in the mirror!

He said . . Why don’t women blink during foreplay?
She said . . They don’t have time

He said . . How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
She said . . We don’t know; it has never happened.

He said . . Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and Good-looking?
She said . . They already have boyfriends.

She said… What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
He said . . . A widow.

He said . . . Why are married women heavier than single women?
She said . .. . Single women come home, see what’s in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what’s in bed and go to the fridge.

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A kind old neighbor woman mistook him for John and
said: "I’m so sorry for your loss. You must feel terrible."
Joe, thinking she was talking about his boat said: "Hell no! Fact
is I’m sort of glad to be rid of her. She was a rotten old thing
from the beginning. Her bottom was all shriveled up and she
smelled like old dead fish. She was always holding water. She had
a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front too.
Every time I used her, her hole got bigger and she leaked like
crazy. I guess what finally finished her off was when I rented her
to those four guys looking for a good time.
I warned them that she wasn’t very good and smelled bad. But they
wanted her anyway. The darn fools tried to get in her all at one
time and she split right up the middle!"
The old woman fainted.

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The Minister then asked , "How many of you are willing to forgive your enemies?"

All responded this time, except one small, elderly lady.

"Mrs. Jones, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"

"I don’t have any." She replied, smiling sweetly.

"Mrs. Jones, that is very unusual. How old are you?"

"Ninety-eight," she replied.

"Oh, Mrs. Jones, would you please come down in front & tell us all

how a person can live ninety-eight years & not have an enemy in the world?"

The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the congregation, and said: "I outlived the bitches."

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90% of Americans live within 15 miles of a Wal-Mart.

1. At Wal-Mart Americans spend $36,000,000 every hour of every day.

2. This works out to $20,928 of profit every minute!!!

3. Wal-Mart will sell more by St. Patrick s Day (March 17th) than Target sells all year.

4. Wal-Mart is bigger than Home Depot + Kroger + Target + Sears + Costco + K-Mart combined.

5. Wal-Mart employs 1.6 million people and is the largest private employer.

6. Wal-Mart is the largest company in the history of the World.

7. Wal-Mart now sells more food than Kroger & Safeway combined, and keep in mind they did this in only 15 years.

8. During this same period, 31 Supermarket chains sought bankruptcy
(including Winn-Dixie).

9. Wal-Mart now sells more food than any other store in the world.

10. Wal-Mart has approx 3,900 stores in the United States of which 1,906 are SuperCenters; this is 1,000 more than it had 5 years ago.

11. This year, 7.2 billion different purchasing experiences will occur at a Wal-Mart store (Earth’s population is approximately 6.5 billion)

What do you think will happen when they have run all the others out of business? Do you think they will still give decent prices or will they do like Exxon/Mobile and continually rip us off?

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After a short time out on the lawn, Grandma started leaning off to the right, so some family members grabbed her, straightened her up, and stuffed pillows on her right. A short time later, she started leaning off to her left, so again the family grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left. Soon she started leaning forward, so the family members again grabbed her, then tied a pillowcase around her waist to hold her up.

A grandson, who arrived late, came up to Grandma and said, "Hi, Grandma; you’re looking good! How are they treating you?"

Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote a note to the grandson…"They won’t let me fart."

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THE PENIS WANTS A RAISE

I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the
following reasons:

I do physical labour
I work at great depths
I plunge head first into everything I do
I do not get weekends off or public holidays
I work in a damp environment
I don’t get paid overtime
I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation
I work in high temperatures
My work exposes me to contagious diseases
******** REPLY ********

Dear Penis,

After assessing your request, and considering the
arguments you have raised, the administration rejects
your request for the following reasons:

You do not work 8 hours straight,
You fall asleep on the job after brief work periods
You do not always follow the orders of the management
team
You do not stay in your allocated position, and often
visit other restricted areas
You do not take initiative – you need to be pressured
and stimulated in order to start working
You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of
your shift
You don’t always observe necessary safety regulations,
such as wearing the correct protective clothing You’ll
retire well before reaching 65
You’re unable to work double shifts
You sometimes leave your allocated position before you
have completed the day’s work.
And, if that were not all, you have been seen
constantly entering and leaving the workplace carrying
2 suspicious looking bags.

Sincerely,

The Management.

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While taking a bath, a three-year-old boy was examining his testicles.

"Mom", he asked, "are these my brains?"

"Not yet," she replied.

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After she disrobed the doctor began to stroke her thigh. While
Doing so he asked her,
"Do you know what I am doing?"

"Yes," she replied, "You are checking for abrasions or
Dermatological abnormalities."

"That’s right," said the doctor. He then began to fondle her Breasts.
"Do you know what I am doing now?"
He asked.

"Yes," she said, "You are checking for lumps which might indicate Breast cancer."

"Correct," replied the shady doctor. Finally, he mounted his
Patient and started having sexual intercourse with her. He asked,
"Do you know what I am doing now?"

"Yes," she said, "You’re getting herpes: which is why I came
Here in the first place."

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Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way:

I am the head of the family, so call me The President.

Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the
Government.

We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you the People.

The nanny, we will consider her the Working Class.

And your baby brother, we will call him the Future. !

Now think about that and see if it makes sense."

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.

Later that night,! he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to
check on him. !

He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. !

So! the little boy goes to his parent’s room and finds his mother asleep. !
Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny’s room. Finding the door
locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny.
He gives up and goes back to bed

The next morning, the little boy say’s to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now. "

The father says, "Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think
politics is all about."

The little boy replies, "The President is screwing the Working Class
while the Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit

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One of the pots had a crack in it while the other pot was perfect and always delivered a full portion of water.

At the end of the long walks from the stream to the house, the cracked pot arrived only half full.

For a full two years this went on daily, with the woman bringing home only one and a half pots of water.

Of course , the perfect pot was proud of its accomplishments.

But the poor cracked pot was ashamed of its own imperfection, and miserable that it could only do half of what it had been made to do.

After two years of what it perceived to be bitter failure, it spoke to the woman one day by the stream
"I am ashamed of myself, because this crack in my side causes water to leak out all the way back to your house."

The old woman smiled, "Did you notice that there are flowers on your side of the path, but not on the other pot’s side?"

"That’s because I have always known about your flaw, so I planted flower seeds on your side of the path, and every day while we walk back, you water them."

"For two years I have been able to pick these beautiful flowers to decorate the table.

Without you being just the way you are, there would not be this beauty to grace the house."

Each of us has our own unique flaw. But it’s the cracks and flaws we each have that make our lives together so very interesting and rewarding.

You’ve just got to take each person for what they are and look for the good in them.

SO, to all of my crackpot friends, have a great day and remember to smell the flowers on your side of the path!

And send this to any or all of your Cracked Pot friends within 5 minutes and see what happens! Don’t forget the Cracked Pot that sent it to you!
"Friends come and go but enemies accumulate."
–Anonymous

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When I get mad at you, you never fight back. How do you control your anger?

She said: I clean the toilet bowl.

I asked: How does that help?

She said: I use your toothbrush.

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"OK," said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as well, and entered the house. Before dinner the daughter came down the stairs. She was young, beautiful and had a fantastic figure. She was obviously attracted to the young man as she couldn’t keep her eyes off him during the meal. Remembering the old man’s warning he ignored her and went up to bed alone. But during the night he could bear it no longer and snuck into her room for a night of passion. He was careful to keep everything quiet so the old man wouldn’t hear and, near dawn, he crept back to his room, exhausted but happy.

He woke to feel a pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a large rock on his chest with a note on it that read,

"Chinese Torture 1: Large rock on chest." "Well, that’s pretty crappy," he thought. "If that’s the best the old man can do then I don’t have much to worry about." He picked the boulder up, walked over to the window and threw the boulder out. As he did so he noticed another note on it that read

"Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle." In a panic he glanced down and saw the line that was already getting close to taut. Figuring that a few broken bones was better than castration, he jumped out of the window after the boulder. As he plummeted downward he saw a large sign on the ground that read,

"Chinese Torture 3: Right testicle tied to bedpost."

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One day, as they drove down the freeway, she remarked about his slow driving habits. "I can’t stand it anymore," she told him. "Let’s play a game. For every 5 miles per hour over the speed limit you drive, I’ll remove one piece of clothing."

He enthusiastically agreed and sped up the car. He reached the 55 MPH mark, so she took off her blouse. At 60 off came the pants. At 65 it was her bra and at 70 her panties. Now seeing her naked for the first time and traveling faster than he ever had before, he became very excited and lost control of the car. He veered off the road, went over an embankment and hit a tree. His girlfriend was not hurt but he was trapped. She tried to pull him free but alas he was stuck.

"Go to the road and get help," he said.

"I don’t have anything to cover myself with!" she replied.

The man felt around, but could only reach one of his shoes. "You’ll have to put this between your legs to cover it up," he told her. So she did as he said and went up to the road for help.

Along came a truck driver. Seeing a naked, crying woman along the road, he pulled over to hear her story. "My boyfriend! My boyfriend!" she sobs, "He’s stuck and I can’t pull him out!"

The truck driver looking down at the shoe between her legs replies, "Ma’am, if he’s in that far, I’m afraid he’s a goner!"

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When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again.
She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door. Again, the
trucker lowers the window. As if they’ve never spoken, the blonde says
brightly, "Hi my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"

Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the
street.

At the third red light, the same thing happens again. All out of breath,
the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door. The
trucker rolls down the window. Again she says " Hi, my name is Heather,
and you are losing some of your load!"

When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next
light. When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and
runs back to the blonde. He knocks on her window, and after she lowers
it, he says…

"Hi, my name is Kevin, it’s winter in Iowa and I’m driving the SALT
TRUCK!"

Have A Great Day!

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Happiness Is a Choice
Furnish your mind with happy memories.

The 92-year-old, petite, well-poised, and proud lady,
who is fully dressed each morning by eight o’clock,
with her hair fashionably coiffed and makeup perfectly
applied, even though she is legally blind, moved to a
nursing home today.

Her husband of 70 years recently passed away, making
the move necessary.
After many hours of waiting patiently in the lobby of
the nursing home, she smiled sweetly when told her
room was ready. As she maneuvered her walker to the
elevator, I provided a visual description of her tiny
room, including the eyelet curtains that had been hung
on her window.

"I love it," she stated with the enthusiasm of an
eight-year-old having just been presented with a new
puppy.

"Mrs. Jones, you haven’t seen the room …. just
wait."

"That doesn’t have anything to do with it," she
replied.

"Happiness is something you decide on ahead of time.
Whether I like my room or not doesn’t depend on how
the furniture is arranged… it’s how I arrange my
mind.

"I already decided to love it … It’s a decision I
make every morning when I wake up. I have a choice; I
can spend the day in bed recounting the difficulty I
have with the parts of my body that no longer work, or
get out of bed and be thankful for the ones that do.

"Each day is a gift, and as long as my eyes open I’ll
focus on the new day and all the happy memories I’ve
stored away … just for this time in my life.

"Old age is like a bank account–you withdraw from it
what you’ve put in."

So, my advice to you would be to deposit a lot of
happiness in the bank account of memories.

Remember the 5 simple rules to be happy:

1. Free your heart from hatred.
2. Free your mind from worries.
3. Live simply.
4. Give more.
5. Expect less.

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2.) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour.
Five Minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more
minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

3.) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something,
and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing
usually end in fine.

4.) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don’t Do It!

5.) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement
often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an
idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing
with you about nothing. (Refer back to #3 for the meaning of nothing.)

6.) That’s Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women
can make to a man. That’s okay means she wants to think long and hard
before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

7.) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or Faint. Just say
you’re welcome.

8.) Whatever: Is a women’s way of saying F*CK YOU!

9.) Don ‘t worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement,
meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several
times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man
asking "what’s wrong", for the woman’s response refer to # 3.
Send this to the men you know, to warn them about arguments they can
avoid if they remember the terminology. Send this to all the women you
know to give them a good laugh, cause they know it’s true

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I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my
wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very
sorry but I seemed to have left my wallet at home "I
will have to go home and come back later."

The woman says, "Unbutton your shirt." So I opened
my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.

She says, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough
for me" and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my
experience at the Social security office. She said,

"You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten = disability too."

WOMEN CAN BE SO CRUEL

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One Saturday afternoon, I was sitting in my lawn
chair, drinking beer and watching my wife mow the
lawn.

The neighbor lady from across the street was so
outraged that she came over and shouted at me, "You
should be hung!"

I took a drink from my can of Busch Light, wiped the
cold foam from my lips, lifted my darkened Ray Ban
sunglasses and stared directly into the eyes of this
nosy ass neighbor and then calmly replied, "I am.
That’s why she cuts the grass."

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There has been a monthly average of 160,000 troops in the Iraq theatre of operations during the last 22 months, and a total of 2,112 deaths. That gives a firearm death rate of 60 per 100,000 soldiers. The firearm death rate in Washington DC is 80.6 per 100,000 persons for the same period. That means that you are about 25% more likely to be shot and killed in the US capital than you are in Iraq. Conclusion: The US should pull out of Washington DC.

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You are driving along in your car on a wild stormy
night.You pass by a bus stop, and you see three people
waiting for the bus:

1.An old lady who looks as if she is about to die.
2.An old friend who once saved your life.
3.The perfect man/woman you have been dreaming about.

Which one would you choose to offer a ride, provided
that there is one seat only for one passenger in your
car.

Think before you continue, this is a moral/ethical
dilemma that was once actually used as part of a job
application.

Analysis:

You could pick up the old lady, because she is going
to die, and thus you should save her first; or you
could take the old friend because he once saved your
life, and this would be the perfect chance to pay him
back. However, you may never be able to find your
perfect dream lover again.

(scroll down)

the candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants)
had no trouble coming up with his answer.

He simply answered:

"I would give the car keys to my old friend, and let
him take the lady to the hospital. I would stay behind
and wait for the bus with the woman of my dreams."

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To realize
The value of ten years:
Ask a newly
Divorced couple

To realize
The value of four years:
Ask a graduate.

To realize
The value of one year:
Ask a student who
Has failed a final exam.

To realize
The value of nine months:
Ask a mother who gave birth to a stillborn.

To realize
The value of one month:
Ask a mother
who has given birth to
A premature baby.

To realize
The value of one week:
Ask an editor of a weekly newspaper.

To realize
The value of one minute:
Ask a person
Who has missed the train, bus or plane.

To realize
The value of one-second:
Ask a person
Who has survived an accident.

Time waits for no one.

Treasure every moment you have.

You will treasure it even more when
you can share it with someone special.

To realize the value of a friend or family member:

LOSE ONE.

The origin of this letter is unknown,
But it brings good luck to everyone who passes it on.

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However, the poor lady was not very proficient in English, but did manage to communicate with her husband.

The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries.

One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy chicken legs.

She didn’t know how to put forward her request, and in desperation, clucked like a chicken and lifted up her skirt to show her thighs.

Her butcher got the message, and gave her the chicken legs.

The next day, she needed to get chicken breasts.

Again, she didn’t know how to say it, and so, she clucked like a chicken and unbuttoned her blouse, to show the butcher her breasts.

The butcher understood again, and gave her some chicken breasts.

On the 3rd day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages.

Unable to find a way to communicate
this, she brought her husband to the store…

(Please scroll down)

What were you thinking?
Hellooooooo, her husband speaks English!

Now get back to your emails.

I don’t know about you sometimes!

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Dear Dad:

It is with great regret and sorrow that I’m writing you. I had to elope
with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you.
I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice. But I knew
you would not approve of her because of all her piercings, tattoos, tight
motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am. But it’s
not only the passion…Dad she’s pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very
happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the
whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children. Stacy has
opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn’t really hurt anyone. We’ll
be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live
nearby for cocaine and ecstasy. In the meantime we will pray that science
will find a cure for AIDS so Stacy can get better. She deserves it. Don’t
worry Dad. I’m 15 and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I’m sure
that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your
grandchildren.

Love, Your Son John

P.S. Dad, none of the above is true. I’m over at Tommy’s house. I just
wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the report
card that’s in my center desk drawer. I love you.
Call me when it’s safe to come home.

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The first time with a condom… I was 16 or so….

I went in to buy a package of condoms. There was a beautiful woman
behind the counter,
and she could see that I was new at it. She handed me the package and
asked, if I knew how to wear one.

I honestly answered, "No."

So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped over her thumb.
She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure.
I apparently still looked confused.

So she looked all around the store. It was empty. She said, "Just a
minute." And walked to the door, and locked it.
Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and
removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside.
She asked, "Do these excite you?"

Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was nod my head.

She then said, it was time to slip the condum on. As I was slipping it
on, she dropped her skirt,
removed her panties and laid down on a desk. "Well, come on", she said,
"We don’t have much time."

So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful, that unfortunately, I could no

longer hold back and pow, I was done within a few minutes.

She looked at me with a frown. "Did you put that condom on?"

I said, "I sure did." And held up my thumb to show her!!!

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When the postal authorities receive d the letter to God, USA, they decided to send it to the President.

The president was so amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill. The president thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.

The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 bill and sat down to write a thank-you note to God, which read:

Dear God: Thank you very much for sending the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you sent it through Washington, DC., and those assholes deducted $95.00 in taxes.

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The poor little guy starts crying. ‘Come on man. I was just
giving you a hard time,’ the biker says. ‘I didn’t think you’d CRY.’ ‘I
can’t stand to see a man crying.’

‘This is the worst day of my life,’ says the little guy between
sobs. ‘I can’t do anything right.’ ‘I overslept and was late to an
important meeting, so my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I
found my car was stolen and I don’t have any insurance. I left my wallet
in the cab I took home. I found my wife in bed with the gardener and my
dog bit me. So I came to this bar trying to work up the courage to put
an end to my life, and then you show up and drink the poison.’

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He started by running his hand across her shoulders and the small of her back. He ran his hand over her breasts, touching them very lightly. He then proceeded to run his hand gently down her side, sliding his hand over her stomach and then down the other side to a point below her waist.

He continued on, gently feeling her hips, first one side and then the other. His hand ran further down the outside of her thighs. His gentle probing then started up the inside of her left thigh, stopped and returned to do the same to her right thigh.

By this time the woman was becoming aroused and she squirmed a little to better position herself. The man stopped abruptly and rolled over to his side of the bed.
"Why are you stopping, darling?" she whispered suggestively into his ear.

He whispered back, "I found the remote."

He started by running his hand across her shoulders and the small of her back. He ran his hand over her breasts, touching them very lightly. He then proceeded to run his hand gently down her side, sliding his hand over her stomach and then down the other side to a point below her waist.

He continued on, gently feeling her hips, first one side and then the other. His hand ran further down the outside of her thighs. His gentle probing then started up the inside of her left thigh, stopped and returned to do the same to her right thigh.

By this time the woman was becoming aroused and she squirmed a little to better position herself. The man stopped abruptly and rolled over to his side of the bed.
"Why are you stopping, darling?" she whispered suggestively into his ear.

He whispered back, "I found the remote."